Here is the Bible’s best description of how to overcome selfishness and how to get along with members of the opposite sex: “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Revised Standard Version).

These verses list eight problems that can easily creep into our relationships that should alert us that selfishness is getting in the way and love is being pushed out.

First is jealousy. This can refer to being jealous of another’s abilities or blessings, not rejoicing in their successes. The main way this shows itself is being selfishly possessive—not wanting to share the person. This is a common trap in relationships between the sexes.

Do you find yourself getting in a bad attitude toward others because they’re getting “too much attention” from someone? Maybe you think they’re being flirty, or just throwing themselves at some guy. Such thoughts can kill your friendship both with the person of the opposite sex and the one of your sex! God’s love is never jealous in that way!

The second red flag Paul mentioned is boasting—making a parade of yourself, trumpeting your accomplishments.

The third is arrogance. This is a big turnoff to people of both sexes. It will destroy your relationships.

Fourth is rudeness. That is a lack of courtesy and manners—not really caring how you present yourself around people of the opposite sex.

Consider the simple act of asking someone out for a date. Men: Don’t be an oaf about it. “What are you doing tonight?” “I don’t have anything else to do—wanna go out?” “So-and-so backed out on me and I need a date.” Instead, approach the woman privately and leave her the option of declining gracefully. And women: Realize how hard it is for a man to ask for a date. Most of all, he doesn’t want rejection. If you have to turn him down, be gentle.

Fifth is insisting on your own way. You must learn how to give and take, how to work as a team with the other person. God’s love never seeks its own. It is always looking out for the other person.

Men: Being a leader doesn’t mean being macho or domineering. It means being responsible, mature and caring. If you throw your weight around to try to show her who’s boss, you are sure to turn her off.

Sixth is irritability. Life throws us curveballs. Sometimes we can be moody. Really strive not to allow yourself to be moody and irritable around others. God’s love is never irritated.

Women: Try to be consistent and predictable in your reactions and day-to-day disposition. Your moods can wreak havoc on a man. Make a strong effort to be sunny and cheerful. Level out the peaks and valleys in your day-to-day reactions. At the same time, men, don’t misinterpret a woman’s emotional highs and lows or changing moods. She is not intentionally directing them at you. It’s easy to take any fluctuation in emotion personally. But there may be a number of reasons why she may be friendly one day and distant the next: stress—a lack of sleep—hormones—a personal problem with someone else.

Seventh is resentment. Don’t keep track of other people’s sins and wrongs. Be quick to let things go. For friendships to flourish, you can’t let bad feelings stew. Be patient. Be tolerant. Be forgiving. Don’t focus on yourself and your own needs. Focus on the other person’s needs and on helping that person to grow.

Men: Understand that women can be terribly sensitive and easily crushed. Sarcasm, cynicism, negative comments—these don’t go over well. She wants you to be pleased with her, so rejection and ridicule can really hurt.

Women: Realize how easy it is to wound a man’s self-respect. Don’t compare him to other men. Don’t ignore him, or cut him down in front of others. If you want to be treated like a lady, then protect his self-respect.

The eighth and final red flag Paul lists is rejoicing at wrong—being glad when you see someone make a mistake or take a fall. This feeling is the basis of most gossip. Gossip is the opposite of love, and it is a relationship killer.

Women: Try to appreciate how hard it is for a man to measure up to the ideal standard of a good leader. Confidence as a leader takes time to develop, and many men lack it. Give them room to grow. Don’t compare younger guys with older men who have years of experience. Compliment his successes—and help him save face if he fails.

What Makes Friendships Flourish

1 Corinthians 13 also lists seven things that should be in our relationships with the opposite sex—things that will make them work beautifully.

First is patience. We’re all human. Be willing to overlook another person’s imperfections.

Men: Women would rather you encourage, console and comfort them than lecture or preach. If a woman comes to you with a problem, don’t criticize her or immediately try to offer solutions. Just listen.

The second quality is kindness. This is talking about doing nice things for people. Treating them tactfully and respectfully—not offending them—showing concern and compassion.

Men: A woman really appreciates it when you are observant and aware of her physical comfort and well-being. Don’t expect her to run half a block to a restaurant in high heels. Don’t leave a car window down if it means her hair is going to blow all over. Also, she is impressed when you’re original or creative when planning a date. This shows that she has been on your mind and you consider her worth the extra effort.

Women: Don’t feel guilty if a man spends money on you. In most cases, he’s not trying to get anything from you—he’s just trying to be kind. Show your gratitude, acknowledging the sacrifice he made with a follow-up note, phone call, or some other gesture.

Third is rejoicing at the right. Being encouraged when you see growth in another person.

Men: Realize how important a sincere compliment is to a woman. Look for things to compliment. This is definitely a skill you can develop as a single that will carry over well into a marriage.

Fourth is “bearing all things.” This means being slow to expose another person’s sin, and never bringing up those things that are past. Don’t throw it in someone’s face when they make a mistake, and be willing to let past mistakes go.

Women: Be flexible and self-controlled when plans fall apart or there is a crisis. The way you react in difficult circumstances tells a man a lot about your own level of maturity. Life has its challenges. Don’t throw a fit.

Fifth is “believing all things.” That means seeing people for their strengths. Believing the best also means giving the person the benefit of the doubt—not assuming the worst motives, but erring on the side of assuming the best.

Single women, especially: Don’t be preoccupied with wondering, Where is this relationship going? Such thoughts put a lot of pressure on a friendship. Be careful of assuming what’s on the other person’s mind and killing a friendship that could be great! You can have strong, close friendships with those of the opposite sex that are not romantic at all. In fact, that is pretty much prerequisite to ever having a good marriage! Learn how to relate comfortably and naturally with others—to speak freely on a variety of subjects. That’s what marriage is!

Sixth is “hoping all things.” This means having a generally positive outlook and being optimistic—a ray of sunshine rather than a little black cloud.

Women: Men highly respect women who are up-front, genuinely honest and don’t play games. Be yourself. Don’t try to impress. Don’t lead him on. Don’t just give him the cold shoulder if you’re upset about something. Tell him—tactfully, in love. Don’t keep him guessing.

Seventh is “enduring all things.” God’s love makes it through the hard times. Trials are the test of your friendship. And that includes being there for your friend when he or she makes a mistake.

How dependable are you as a friend? Do you cut loose if something goes wrong, or do you weather the storm and stick with the person? Are you in the habit of turning against someone when he or she fails? Friendship demands trust—knowing a person will be there for you even during the tough times. God’s love endures all things.

Use this list to measure the quality of what you have to offer those of the opposite sex. The less of those negative qualities, and the more of the positive ones, then the less frustration you will have. The smoother things will go, and the stronger those relationships will be!