We had just had a lovely meal as a family at a local restaurant. Everyone was happy. It wasn’t until we went out to the parking lot to get into the minivan that the horror began.

I opened the side door with my remote from some distance away (I never get tired of using that feature), and my daughters, then ages 6 and 4, ran to get into the van. My mouth dropped, then, as the two of them tried to enter the same door at the same time. Thus erupted a spontaneous display of everything that is wrong with this world. The two girls stubbornly pushed forward, each wedging her body between immovable upholstery and mulish sibling, awkwardly bracing, positioning for leverage, struggling to emerge the dubious victor in this desperate battle to be first into the vehicle.

I watched in stunned silence to see how long this bizarre warfare would go on. After what seemed like 45 minutes (it was probably closer to 10 seconds), I decided I didn’t have the patience to find out.

“Girls!”

What in the world? Why do siblings do this to each other?

I think back on my youth, and—though I would never admit it at the time—I can think of instances where my own actions could only be described as being strategically calculated to drive my sister clinically insane.

In some ways, it’s ironic we so often refer to “brotherly love.” If you look in the Bible, you will be hard pressed to find a single great example of blood brothers or sisters who loved one another growing up (though many reconciled as adults). On the other hand, instances of sibling rivalry, sometimes murderous, abound.

How to solve the problem? Ugly habits of competition and strife can take root in a single afternoon; constructive habits of sharing, kindness and self-sacrifice must be regularly reinforced over a period of years. So, while there is no cure-all, consistent and focused attention to the matter can significantly improve it—at least for today.

What are the root causes of this familial friction? Besides normal jealousy—one child simply wanting what the other child has and just up and taking it—often the problem originates with us.

That’s right. One of the biggest causes of sibling strife is simple neglect: a lack of time, attention, love and approval from Dad and Mom.

The good thing about that is that it can be remedied. We need to make sure each child feels tanked up emotionally so they’re not competing for our attention. Spend quality, positive, individual time with every child, and you’ll probably notice an improvement in their dealings with each other.

Beware favoritism. Sibling rivalry is assured if you give a coat of many colors to one child and not the others. Children are acutely aware of any hint of unfairness. Since it’s impossible to be fair all the time, strive to be equally unfair to all of your children. I kid.

Also, know each child as an individual. This prevents you from slipping into making comparisons between children that are certain to create bad feelings. As any parent of more than one child knows, they’re all unique and different from day one. Be attentive. Praise each child for her personal strengths—and work with each child to help her overcome her personal weaknesses. Spend alone time with each. Learn to treat each child as an only child.

Still, even if we do these things perfectly, problems are bound to arise. It is critical to have firm rules against fighting, with clear penalties for their infraction and consistent enforcement. Be alert to problems in their earliest stages and confront them. Don’t wait for shouting and flying fists—notice how the children talk to one another. Listen for bossy, selfish, hurtful, vindictive. Listen for subtle.

As children grow, they should be expected to solve more of their problems on their own. But realize that it is a parental responsibility to teach them the way of peace.

My wife and I implemented a simple tool that ensures there are consequences for even minor steps in the wrong direction (this was for early grade-school-aged children). We put a half-pie chart on our refrigerator with seven slices colored like the rainbow; the purple slice furthest left reads treat, the red slice furthest right reads discipline. Each day the arrow starts in the middle. A bit of sibling friction and we slide it one space to the right; a generous gesture or period of cooperation and we move it left. There may not be a big eruption of rivalry that, by itself, would warrant physical discipline—but three small ones and the consequence is the same. What happens more often, however—and almost immediately when we implemented this system—is that the girls find ways to work together, resolving problems before they develop, in hopes of getting that treat. In the meantime, unknowingly, they are building habits of cooperation.

The other thing that makes this little tool work, I believe, is the fact that it doesn’t assign blame to any one child. The parent who takes sides in a sibling conflict is treading on treacherous ground. Children have a remarkable knack for making the other child appear completely at fault in every fight.

We need to ask God for discernment in handling problems as they arise, and whenever possible avoid punishing a child who has done nothing wrong. But I have found an almost miraculous effect in disciplining both children and then, as they’re standing there crying, having them apologize to each other and hug. Whatever animosity existed between them tends to dissolve into squeezes, smiles and giggles.

One final word: Ideally, children should see an example of harmony and cooperation between their parents. As much as possible, a husband and wife should strive to be totally united on the rules of the house, on rewards and privileges, and on when and how to discipline. If you argue in front of the children, you are teaching them by example how to fight. Instead, handle any disagreements between you privately.

By our examples and our instruction, we can help our children experience the ways of family cooperation. The more we do, the more we’ll see them take an “after you” approach toward entering the minivan—and to more of life’s relationship challenges that will meet them down the road.