The unscripted opening shot of a trailer for a new movie called Babies is really funny. It’s also distressing. A boy and girl, both maybe 8 months old, placidly sit side by side in a hut in Namibia, Africa. Then, the complication: The girl notices an empty plastic bottle on the ground in front of the boy. She grabs it. He protests by pushing her hand away. She cries out and looks up, seeking adult intervention; receiving none, she leans over and bites his shoulder. He howls and begins hitting her; when she fails to react, he throttles her by the neck. She screams, which immediately pacifies him; he returns to his activity as if oblivious to her suffering—albeit with a sidelong glance to make sure he escaped parental scrutiny. Alone in her despair, the girl flops forward with her face in her arms. In one final comic insult, when she coughs, a cloud of dust flies in her face.

In less than 40 seconds, these two children depict the tragicomic story of humankind. We covet; we take things by force; we retaliate; we escalate silly feuds; we dodge responsibility; we lack concern for others; we deceive; we cover our tracks; we sulk; we pity ourselves. The humor in watching it unfold between infants stems from its universality—and its patent absurdity.

The parable of the Namibian toddlers illustrates some truths that we all need to face squarely.

Human nature is selfish. You have it and I have it—just as surely as those two babies in the African desert. And it plays out in a myriad of ways in our lives, many of which we are too self-absorbed to even recognize.

Just like those children, our relationships are beset by conflict and hurt because of that self-oriented nature.

Selfishness is at the root of untold human suffering. The comedy in a childish spat disappears when our human nature plays out among bigger people, with higher stakes, causing greater suffering.

Last week I wrote about how problems within marriage stem from breaking the basic spiritual law of give. The larger reality is that all human suffering, unhappiness, misery and emptiness have come from breaking it.

At the heart of the Namibian children’s conflict are two individuals—diminutive though they are—putting themselves ahead of the other. In any particular instance, it only takes one person to do this before you see problems emerge. In all relationships, where discord is flowering, self-love is at the root.

Bad as that is, modern society stupidly encourages self-love.

Parents have come to view their primary role as being nurturers of their children’s self-esteem. Child rearing now avoids discipline in favor of overindulgence. Caretakers teach preschoolers “I am special—look at me” jingles. Educators award higher grades for less work. Sports programs give trophies for mere participation.

The popularization of reality tv has created a generation of fame-seekers. The upsurge in celebrity-obsession has turned vanity into a virtue. User-driven Internet phenomena like MySpace, Facebook and YouTube foster naked self-promotion. A bumper crop of unsightly trends—from skyrocketing personal debt (“I’m buying this whether or not I can afford it because I deserve it!”) to the mainstreaming of plastic surgery—all owe their success to the boom in self-concern and self-admiration.

All this self-love is making us miserable. But more and more, when society sees the strife and spiritual emptiness that result from too much self, it diagnoses the problems as stemming from insufficient self-esteem.

Modern culture says self-love is prerequisite to loving others. It is far more accurate to say that self-love kills the ability to love others. As Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell bring out in their book The Narcissism Epidemic, the more narcissistic people become, the greater their tendency to lack emotionally warm, caring, loving relationships. The more self-love we have, the less room there is in our hearts for actual love—that is, genuine outgoing concern for others.

“What causes wars, and what causes fightings among you?” the Apostle James asked. “Is it not your passions that are at war in your members? You desire and do not have; so you kill. And you covet and cannot obtain; so you fight and wage war” (James 4:1-2, Revised Standard Version). This is the source of all conflict—whether international war or a childish feud over an empty plastic bottle: the pursuit of self-interest over the greater good.

The solution is the diametric opposite of the self: It is the law of God.

Jesus Christ expressed the spirit of this law very succinctly as two simple commandments: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind,” and “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-40). All of the specific laws, statutes and judgments God gave governing human behavior—against killing and hatred, against coveting and materialism, against sexual immorality and so on—are simply expressions of this overarching principle of love. The way of life outlined by this law is always giving, outflowing, thoughtful and selfless.

Yes, we do need to take care of ourselves—that is part of the “love thy neighbour as thyself” formulation. But that is not putting the self ahead of others. As the Apostle Paul said, “[I]n lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves” (Philippians 2:3). God’s way is opposite the self-love that brings sorrow and suffering, discouragement and frustration, conflict and contention. The way of love is the way of happiness, of joy, satisfaction and harmony in relationships.

That is not our natural way. In fact, our human nature “is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be” (Romans 8:7). That is why you see the selfishness that leads to contention in every corner of the world, even in 8-month-olds. In the heart of every person on Earth smolders the love of the self.

Don’t follow the trend that, rather than seeking to control those flames, fans and stokes them into a wildfire. Strive to douse self-love—in yourself and in your children—by practicing and teaching love toward God and others.