A lot of what passes for love is nothing of the sort.

Few parents would say they don’t love their children. But many don’t really enjoy being around their children; many give them money or things in lieu of personal time; many give them free access to a multitude of destructive influences. These things aren’t love.

Love must be the most misused, misunderstood word in our language.

What is love, actually?

The definition in Scripture is quite concrete and specific.

Firstly, it says that God is love (1 John 4:8, 16). Everything God does is love. His actions define love and help us to recognize what true love is.

Of course, there are differing and competing ideas of what God is. So let’s look further.

Another biblical definition: “And this is love, that we walk after his commandments” (2 John 6). Ah—this is getting quite specific. Love is not a hazy emotion—it is God’s way of life. He outlined and provided details of that way of life in His commandments.

By keeping them—not reluctantly but with joyful obedience from the heart—we live that way of life and prove through experience just what God’s love is. “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous” (1 John 5:3).

God’s law represents and expresses His love. He gave it in order to spare us misery and heartache, to bring peace into our relationships and within our own minds.

Many people use the term legalistic as an epithet. It paints law as oppressive, and authority as harsh. The Bible says the opposite: It says God’s law is a great blessing (e.g. Romans 7:12). Scripture even tells us to carefully obey even the laws of the land that don’t conflict with God’s law (e.g. 1 Peter 2:13-15). Why? Because a law-abiding people is far happier and more peaceful than a lawless people. Lawlessness is slavery (John 8:34; Romans 6:16).

Just compare a school where students have “free reign” to one where they respect teachers and administrators and obey the rules. One is a dead-end; the other actually enables young people to learn and prepare for productive adulthood. We are all inspired by stories of an authoritative principal who has transformed a lawless school into a lawful one, freeing children from squalor and giving them an opportunity to succeed in life.

When we apply the law and lay down rules for our children, we would do well to remember this. The purpose of the law is to help our children’s joy. It is to facilitate their learning, to safeguard their happiness, to guarantee their safety and that of those around them. It is to teach them the submission to authority that will prepare them for an eternal loving relationship with God. The law is not a bludgeon, but a blessing.

Measure your attitude and that of your children against this standard. The devil does his best to make us all resist and despise law and authority. We need not only to control our own thinking in order to love government and to see law for the blessing it is, but also to help our children to do the same.

Where those who deride this approach as “legalistic” go off track—as so many parents today do—is in failing to recognize God’s judgment and God’s correction as expressions of God’s love. This demonstrates an utter lack of understanding of the God of the Bible.

Paul wrote that “whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth” (Hebrews 12:6). Jesus Christ Himself says, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent” (Revelation 3:19). While in the flesh, He flipped over tables in order to drive mercenaries out of His Father’s house. He gave stern tongue-lashings to unrepentant people. He rebuked and chastened, He demanded repentance—not because He hated people, but because He loved them. To the Pharisees—whom He unceremoniously called hypocrites, serpents and vipers—He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not! Behold, your house is left unto you desolate” (Matthew 23:37-38). Their severe punishment was necessitated by their rebellion against God’s messengers, their rejection of God’s love.

If we understand the beautiful purpose of law, then the application of rebuke and chastening for disobedience makes perfect sense. God always aims it at redirecting our errant steps in order to guide us back onto the path of lawkeeping that results in blessings. Yes, God gets angry—but He remains controlled and never punishes beyond what is deserved. God’s anger is not contrary to His love, but a product of it.

Notice how Christ concluded His correction in that passage with hope: “For I say unto you, Ye shall not see me henceforth, till ye shall say, Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord” (verse 39). Yes, once those murderers humble themselves in the resurrection and accept God’s messengers, they will see Christ again.

Truly, God is always eager to extend mercy and forgiveness to someone who repents, who is willing to turn from sin. He loves everyone unconditionally. He holds out hope for the repentance of every sinner (2 Peter 3:9). When an individual proves himself incorrigible, God mercifully withholds the gift of eternal life—not only to protect and preserve the law-based peace of His Kingdom, but also to end that person’s sin-induced misery (e.g. Revelation 20:13-15; 21:27; 22:14-15).

This is the truth of the Bible, in both New Testament and Old.

We should always seek to emulate God’s example. As parents, if we find ourselves growing frustrated, out-of-control angry, vindictive, worn out with our children, then we need to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God. Ask Him for wisdom. Pray for help to ensure our actions are nothing less than expressions of unconditional love for our children—the same love He shows for us. There shouldn’t be any doubt in our children’s minds that we love them unconditionally.

Our aim is to be just in our judgment, measured in our discipline, generous with our instruction and teaching, and bighearted in giving our children blessings when they obey. That is exactly how God parents us.

The better we do those things, the greater the likelihood that our children will grow up recognizing and sincerely appreciating the unbreakable connections between law, government, love and God.