I thought I had learned a thing or two about child rearing after bringing up two daughters for several years. Then my wife and I had a son.

Noah is a unique creature. His sisters were fairly quiet and conservative in their play. He is a wrecking ball with lungs.

His sisters like to dress things, decorate things, set things up, stack things on top of other things. He sees a stack of things as an invitation for demolition. He likes to kick and punch. He enjoys collisions.

Somehow even his dinner plate looks to him like an artillery range. “Ah-h-h-h-h-h—boosh!” he says while dropping his carrot into his potato.

We didn’t teach him these things. We are trying to teach him civilized table manners, and respect for other people’s things and for the structural vulnerability of the walls in our home. But the urge to dominate, to subdue, to conquer, he’s got in spades.

This is fascinating to me, for a couple of reasons. One is that some delusional academics seem to think there are no inborn psychological differences between boys and girls—only what society teaches them. Absolute poppycock. Without prodding or guidance, from very early on my daughters would pick up a doll and begin cradling it and cooing to it. My son pulls the head off to see what’s inside.

More importantly, I’m fascinated because what I’m seeing with my own eyes backs up a truth revealed in the Bible—a truth with staggering implications as to the responsibility it places on me.

General society’s complete ignorance of this truth is creating a mess of problems with the way we rear our boys. In their early years they yearn to do battle in the arena; they are keen to exercise their strength—and often in undisciplined and damaging ways. Society fears this. We are deeply ambivalent about masculine energy. Our female-dominated early education seeks to squash it. We embrace the convenience of indulging our sons’ natural enthrallment with inert entertainment; after all, if the boy is absorbed in a video game, he’s not whacking his little brother with a bat. Without considering the consequences, we reward passivity; it is less alarming than ferocity.

Then we watch—as if helpless—while our sons grow self-indulgent, lazy, soft. Bit by bit, the stuff that made them different from their sisters becomes muted, stifled. Or it gets swallowed whole.

That we do this is perfectly understandable. But it’s a tragic mistake.

The fact is, there is something valuable in our sons’ assertive boyishness. It needs to be shaped and guided; it needs to be refined and balanced. But woe be to us—and to them—if it gets crushed.

Why? Because they are destined to be leaders.

Genesis 1:26-27 say that God created human beings male and female. The rest of the Bible explains why. Clearly, men and women were engineered with obvious physical differences—but that’s not all. As I wrote in a previous article, God also designed emotional and psychological differences—and for an important reason: because He intended men and women to fulfill complementary, but decidedly different roles within the family and within society.

Before we can prepare our sons to fulfill the role for which God created them, we need a clear concept of just what that role is. We need a vision of godly masculinity so we can measure our sons’ behavior against that—to know what needs to change and what needs to stay, what needs to be shaped and developed. Raising a man requires knowing what the boy is to become.

While the basic principles of child rearing are the same for boys and girls, each must be taught the respective jobs they will fulfill in a future family. Boys require a different mindset, a different set of skills. As they grow, our sons must gain a sense of their uniqueness—not in a way that makes them awkward around girls and women, but in a way that gradually shows their God-given responsibilities toward them.

Boys have a natural tendency to want to conquer—to storm the backyard and erect a barricade. We want to encourage that, not squelch it. We want our boys to be adventurous, courageous, visionary. After all, they were created to exercise dominion over the Earth and to subdue it (verse 28). Thus, we need to show them how to exert their strength in a godly, constructive way.

Teach the boy to do things. Don’t let him stand awkwardly by as his friends dive into experiences like jumping in the pool or riding horses. Don’t let him sit on the sidelines during an activity. Get him a dog and show him how to train it. Teach him to use things, to make things, to plant things, to manipulate his environment in a proactive, positive way.

God began the creation of human beings with the man, and immediately gave him work to do (Genesis 2:7, 15). God gave man physical things to teach him good stewardship—taking care of the blessings we receive. Further, after Adam sinned, God actually made his workload harder (Genesis 3:17-19), because physical labor is crucial to building character. God knows that when everything is handed to us, we just don’t do well; He wants man to earn his bread through the sweat of his brow. And the Bible is clear in its command to men that they provide for their families (e.g. 1 Timothy 5:8).

Parents: Teach your boy how to work. The lessons Adam learned by having to “dress” and “keep” the Garden are lessons all boys need: to appreciate the value in hard work—to be patient and wait for fruits to show—to have realistic expectations of success—to enjoy labor. A boy needs to experience getting worn out, and having to push himself when he feels like quitting.

Give him chores. Boys tend to be lazy; it’s a parental duty to help them overcome that. Eventually, your son will need to get and hold a job outside the home. He needs a steady progression of duties and opportunities that teach him to work, to be responsible, to be self-motivated.

When your son understands the value of hard work, he will know the value of an honest day’s pay. That provides another invaluable opportunity: guiding him on how to save, to pay his own way, to spend wisely, to be generous to others, to give back to God. These are crucial habits for a man; instill them when he is a boy.

The Genesis account reveals another invaluable truth: From the beginning, Adam was not meant to be alone. He needed a companion, a helper. He was incomplete without Eve, and she was incomplete without him (Genesis 2:18-24). To ensure order and organization, God placed the man in a leadership role over the woman (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Our sons were created to become leaders of women and children. We must keep this in mind as we work with them.

Teaching that role begins with the relationship between Dad and Mom. Our sons need a strong example of a godly marriage. They need to see proper masculine leadership in action—a man who leads his family in love. A boy is going to be drawn to emulate his father’s strong, manly example.

A father must ensure his son treats his mother with respect. God commands a son to honor and obey his mother (Exodus 20:12; Ephesians 6:1). When a boy learns this early, he begins to appreciate that men must always have a sense of responsibility and duty toward women. This makes it more natural to later step into the responsibility of leading, protecting and providing for a family of his own. A son who despises his mother is a fool (Proverbs 15:20). If he develops a confrontational relationship with her, he learns to be more competitive and combative around women. On the other hand, a boy who honors his mom will grow up to honor his wife (1 Peter 3:7).

In preparing your son to fulfill his incredible role, pay close attention to how you discipline him. Do not browbeat him or put him down. Don’t instill cowering submission in him. Instill godly confidence in him—and godly humility. How? With lots of encouragement. Encourage his strengths. Praise his successes. Show joy in his accomplishments.

Train your son to accept responsibility for himself. Teach him to own up to his actions and not make excuses. Don’t let him be weaselly to try to protect his selfish masculine pride. Don’t let him shift responsibility or blame and flee the burdens of leadership.

Being a leader requires making difficult, unpopular decisions. We all tend to be people-pleasers. Your son needs people skills—but he also needs the courage to stand alone. Teach him to obey God’s definition of right and wrong, and to stand against the crowd when he has to. This requires courage, and you must instill it in him.

Help him overcome self-centeredness. Encourage him to seize opportunities to do things that benefit others at the cost of benefiting himself. Teach him the sensitivity and magnanimity to identify the needs of others. Help him to see the big picture. Show him how to see things from God’s perspective.

Build his physical and mental strength. If you can, instruct him how to change a tire, how to fix the car, how to do home repairs; help him learn to thrive outdoors, to camp, hunt, fish.

Most importantly, spend time with him. The father who shows his son how to change the oil gives him a skill—but the more valuable thing is that he is with the boy.

This world needs strong, masculine boys who will become strong, masculine men. The main way we as parents can fill that need is by helping our sons embrace their destiny as leaders. That means giving them a good example, training and teaching, discipline, increasing levels of responsibility—and plenty of encouragement.

Your boy needs you. Teach him to be a man.